Boys Life

Dear Boyslife,

I’ve got a problem but I don’t even know what it is. I’ve been hanging out (for a lack of better terms) with this girl I met at school in October. First off, this girl is someone I’d usually never go for: she’s a tall(er than me), gorgeous, blond, Dutch girl from the middle of nowhere, Canada. When I first met her I didn’t even think I could get with her mostly because I’m just plain shorter then her and she’s way too pretty for me. Anyways, when we do hang out we usually get a coffee or catch a movie but probably twice a week we just get drunk in my basement and fuck around. I know this sounds like we’ve just become fuck buddies but she’s straight up told me before she doesn’t kiss fuck buddies which she does do with me. I’ve talked to this girl before about what we’re up to but her answer is always the same: I don’t know. Her answer has me all worked up that I might be becoming just a friend or something. Got any advice on how to get out of this jam?

Thanks,

Precarious Canadian

Dear Precarious Canadian,

I’m not really clear on what you want here. I’m going to guess you’re trying to avoid the friend zone, keep sleeping with her, and move closer towards relationship status? I’m not even going to go into all this crap about her being not good enough for you. With the proper swagger, any guy can score the girl of his dreams. That being said, this girl is for sure, totally fucked up.

“SHE DOESN’T KISS FUCK BUDDIES.”

Dude, I mean really, really look at this sentence and tell me how anything good is going to come of this relationship. I mean what kind of girl, let alone one in the first half of her twenties, would say something like this? What kind of girl likes to get banged by men she does not care to kiss.

This girl is a cat and you’re a little mouse. She is going to continue batting you around, playing with you until she accidentally kills you, or you’re so beat up that you’re no longer fun to play with. Either way at some point she’ll drop your bloody carcass and head off looking for something more interesting than you, rotting mouse corpse. I could be totally wrong and you two could be made for each other but for some reason I doubt it.

SO YOU’RE GOING TO GET KILLED, WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Nothing really. I’ve been there more than a few times and there is no easy solution. As young guys, our hormones are clashing with superficial ideas about love and destiny; these type of girls swoop in at just this moment, (usually the beginning of our twenties), and often unknowingly ruin our lives. I’m sure she does not intend to cause you distress, that she is just living her life, making mistakes, trying things out, and learning how to live just like you are. The fact remains however, that just like the tiresome catch phrase says, at her core she is probably just not that into you. I’ve been in almost the same situation and I’ll tell you exactly what I did to get what I wanted.

I was seeing a girl who I was more into than was into me. I won’t go into great detail now because it’s going to be the subject of an upcoming flashback post, but we were dating and she was giving me a lot of run around. We’d kick it sometimes but she would not sleep with me, and would not be my girlfriend like I wanted. I got really emo, sat her down, (IN THE RAIN!) and told her that I was way into her and I wanted her to be my chick. I told her I could not deal with the push and pull that was happening; either be with me or say goodbye. She said that she was not ready for a relationship and was sorry it ended up like this. After we parted that afternoon I deleted her number and moved on with my life. I did not call her or talk to her, or ask to hang out and be friends, I just moved on. She became my girlfriend within a week. NOW, I’m not going to say that this was the best outcome or that it was the worst, it has just been.

I would guess that you’re dealing with one fucked up little birdie. I know you want to be around and help her mend her broken wing, or maybe you don’t even know her wing is broken, you’re just drawn to her like a moth to a bug zapper. Either way she will probably devour you. If you really want to keep her, you’ll probably have to issue the same type of ultimatum I described. Then stick to your guns whatever her decision. You will really have to hold her to being a couple and not take any shit, or if she opts out, do not hit her up or try and be friends. If you stand fast and don’t crack you’ll probably end up getting what you want. Most women want and need to be told what to do, even when they say they don’t. If you take strong action it it will most likely turn her on. Like in my case, I deleted the number and didn’t hit her up and soon she was seeking me out, wanting me back in her life.

So, if you really want to be with her, (I think you’d be better off fucking a hole in your mattress filled with microwaved pumpkin guts, but that’s just me) take charge of the fucking situation and show her that you’re not her plaything and that even though you’re short and maybe not as traditionally good looking as she, you’re a decisive man. A man who will not be the good enough for now guy, who makes strong moves, who stands up for himself when he believes he’s getting a raw deal. Let’s get back to this though:

“SHE DOESN’T KISS FUCK BUDDIES.”

On this alone, I’d say run for the fucking hills. I can picture it now: she convinces you to marry her, giving the gifts of Canadian citizenship and nationalized medicine, thus saving her from her old life; which reminds me, has she ever put a condom on your dick with her mouth?

BL

P.S.

My best friend wanted everybody to know the maneuver I describe in this post is called the Takeaway Close.

BL