Boys Life

James’s front slappy seems like the right place to shift gears. I ask the crew how they go about meeting girls. Do they have a game plan and rehearsed pick up lines, or do they put their best face forward, hoping to elicit a positive response? Kevin says he lies; slight exaggerations of the truth to sound cooler. I ask why he feels the need to do this.

Kevin: I work retail. I skateboard. I live at home. I really don’t have a lot going for me and I’m really not that attractive.

Besides the living at home part, Kevin has tons going for him. I sometimes think he’s the only one who doesn’t realize it. He’s always saying he can’t score girls because of how he’s dressed, complaining that he’s not white or that he’s wearing camo pants, that he’s just a lowly skater. Most of the time it feels like he’s punishing himself. All he would have to do is state the same facts in a different tone and be transformed. I’ve seen a couple of the guys fall victim to this, running with a lot of whites dudes and thinking their best assets are handicaps. All it takes is a subtle shift in attitude and posture to defeat these insecurities, which is albeit easier said than done. No matter what I say, Kevin will pout and complain until a chick pays him some attention, then suddenly all self-doubts are forgotten. For now, it’s white lies and shots at Max Fish. After Kevin is finished James tells us about his strategies. He compliments. I am doubtful of complimenting and its effectiveness so I inquire further.

BL: Give me a real example where a compliment has worked. Do you use, sorta, back handed compliments?

James: No, I leave that to you. One time, this only half counts, Handsome Ted suggested: that girl’s into you. This was at the Fish, so I walked up and said, I like your dress, and she said, really? And I said, yeah totally. Then we started making out.

BL: Right away?

James: Yeah, but Ted saw something that I hadn’t noticed. She screamed availability I’m sure. One time I asked a girl, “What’s good with calisthenics?” She was psyched about that.

BL: What does that mean, like, shorty do you exercise? Saying she’s got great legs?

James: Yeah

I’ve seen Max really work it during the day. He makes strong moves in the middle of the afternoon, moves most guys his age would need a 6 pack to attempt. Whether rolling on randoms at Astor Place or following up eye contact at Whole Foods, he’s fearless in the afternoon. I have noticed his predilection towards shallower waters at night, not straying to far from Max Fish or wherever the LA gang is hanging out.

Max: I don’t drink that often, but when I do drink, which is not, like, get drunk, which is only a few times a year, I do loosen up and it is much easier to talk to girls. A lot of the time when Kevin, James, or someone who’s not from LA sees me at a bar, and there’re three girls talking to me, they’re not girls I’m pulling, they’re girls I know. Girls that know my little cousin, or litter brother, or fucked my friend. I’m not usually picking up girls like that. I’m better with random girls, eye contact during the day. Put it this way, I’ve never gone to Lit alone, and left with a girl. NEVER, at Lit.

BL: Everyone pulls at Lit?

Max: I’ve never pulled at Lit. At the Fish though, some disgusting things have happened.

BL: Wait, what happened at the Fish, some gnarly shit?

Kevin: This makes me wanna go to the Fish.

Max: Me and two other friends met this porn star looking girl outside the Fish. She said if we did an ollie, she’d show us her tits, and if we did a kickflip, she’d show us her fucking pussy. Miraculously, this is one of the times I’m really drunk too, I landed both first try, and she showed us both. And she actually wanted us to lie about our ages, to tell her we were younger than we were. I was 19, my other buddy was 20, and another was 18, and the girls begged us to tell them we were 16 years old. We went back to the house, me and this kid double teamed this girl, and I was over it. Actually me and the other dude thought it was raunchy and disgusting.

BL: But you tried it out anyways?

Max: Tried it, wasn’t into it. I blazed that girl, then she went in the other room, and I was in my room having a cigarette, and me and my homie opened the door to the living room. And our friend is on top of her, fucking her, holding her legs up with a shoelace tied around his balls. Screaming out loud, she’s yelling: TELL ME YOU’RE 16, TELL ME YOU’RE16. And this kid hardly talks, and he’s going,  I’m 16 I’m 16, with A shoelace tied around his fucking balls cause she said that keeps you hard for longer or something, she was into it.

We talk a bit about who responds to us. For all our bar crawling and late nights at Lit or Max Fish, so little really comes of it. Lots of girls good enough for a night, that never make it beyond that cameo role. Every girlfriend we’ve had has been introduced to us by friends or have met under decent circumstances. Nobody is finding love at the Fish. I’ve always thought that if I’m willing to go home with some girl and she’s willing to go home with me, then I can’t really pass judgement on her, or call her a slut. I may never want to see her again, but I’m doing it too. I can’t totally close the door on potential. I fell in love with a one night stand once; we dated on and off for 10 months. James seems to share my optimism, and tells the story of a late summer fling.

James: I was taking this girl home…

BL: This is the first time you’ve slept with her?

James: Second or third.

BL: So she’s potential to hang out with, potential to chill?

James: It’s right about there, it’s been going on for a couple of weeks, so we went up [into James’s apartment] and I was all… Well at two different points I’ve wondered why she’s drinking more than I am.

She was killing tequila, and I was just chilling, and she was halfway forcing it on me, and I was like, naaaw. And she was like, “Let’s put on music,” so I put on music and she says, “You’re putting on The Virgins?

“Yeah I’m putting on The Virgins. That was what I wanted to listen to. And then she said they were passe.  And I didn’t really have any energy for her afterwards.

BL: But she had energy for you?

James: Yeah, she fell in love with me.

Winding down, and I ask the guys what they expect out of the next 8 years, where do they hope to be, as far as the opposite sex goes, when they are my age. Do they plan to sleep with as many women as possible? Get Married? Jump from relationship to relationship? When I was preparing it seemed like the simplest question, almost an afterthought.  I don’t know if we’d reached some point of comfortability where ideas just flowed, or if asking people where they want to go is more illuminating than hearing where they’ve been, but I find this part to be the most candid and affecting. I had to do a bit of editing but I left as much boys’ life appropriate stuff as I could.

James: I’d like to become a better lover. I keep using my old girl friend as a frame of reference because I have plenty of material to see how we related to each other. I loved her, which counts for more than anything else. Then there are other things I didn’t do, like wrap her presents, sometimes I would go out skating and I’d be like, yeah, I’ll be back in a couple hours. Then I’d be back the rest of the day later, and she’d say, Well I’d never do that to you. Which was true, but that was because she didn’t have skateboarding going on. The idea of going on dates never really occurred to me either cause I’d be down to kick it.

BL: What does that mean?

James: Not go on dates.

BL: Like: hang out at home, order chinese food, watch movies, do it?

James: Yeah

BL: You want to be a better lover?

James: Which encompasses all of that too.

BL: being more romantic?

James: Yeah, that would be a smaller part of being a better lover.

BL: So you want to get better at the act of having sex?

James: Sure, but I was not saying that as directly as it might have sounded.

me: So you want to have another relationship where you’re a good boyfriend?

James: Yeah. Along the way, in that attempt, I’ll become better at all of those aspects through more encounters.

BL: I would say for me that’s true. The more people you date, the better at dating you get. The more you learn, like, what’s gonna alienate someone, and what’s gonna make someone happy, and where your selfish, and where your self seeking, and whatever. But do you want to get better at “DOING IT TOO”

James : Yeah, yeah, of course.

BL: Well in my experience, you have to do it a lot, and you can’t just get drunk and sleep with people, you have to sleep with the same person more than a few times, and do it sober. Not so much though, that you only get used to them. The older I get the better I am at gauging what’s good and what’s bad. Now, a lot of the time it’s become like a 6th sense. I touch here, it’s bad, there it’s good, and adjust accordingly. The more you deal with women’s bodies, the more you know how they react.

James: Yeah, the initial touch-contact is the part that I find the biggest barrier or hurdle. Last night when you were touching that girl at Sway I said, Oh hes touching her, how would I reach that point with a girl I see tonight? Then there was this other girl there with the hat.

BL: The pirate broad?

James: Yea, I asked her if it was a hat from a war and she says, YEAH, it’s a hat from Tibet which means its from a war zone.

BL: Jesus Christ

James: Yeah, so I let her go.

BL: Well, if you want to touch a girl, you just touch her. You have to just do it, before it becomes built up in your head as some big thing. So that girl last night, she wanted me to touch her, she was engaging me first, so, I just touched her, I just knew. I used the reggae song as an excuse, like, oh no, the reggae made me do it, but once the door was opened, it’s on.

BL: Kevin, I know you’ve had some break ups. You’re a real romantic and that’s one of the things I love about you. You get really fucking passionate about these women you date, I’ve seen you get really craze about a couple different girls, like, chugging shots, WHY GOD!!! You have this great intensity about the opposite sex, and about love. Do you think you’re gonna get jaded? What do you see for the rest of your twenties?

Kevin: I want to get married.

BL: You do? You think a woman’s gonna solve your problems? You know she’s probably not?

Kevin: YOU NEVER KNOW.

BL: You feel like, in a movie-ish sorta rom-comedy way, she might be out there, the girl that’s perfect for you, a girl who does not care about the camo pants, she just loves you.

Kevin: That’s how it is, and I wish it was Crystal.

BL: Who was Crystal?

Kevin: The most beautiful girl ever.

BL: Give me a little Crystal, before we wrap up.

Kevin: She’s 26, She’s tattooed, she’s white, she’s a hick, she’s the best.

BL: What happened?

Kevin: She plaaayed me.

Max: She’s texting him right now.

BL: WHAT?

Max: She’s sending photos of herself like… [strikes the sexy self portrait pose made famous by millions of girls on Myspace.]

The Phone goes around the room and everyone has a good laugh. She is hot, and trashy; that part of me that still checks Suicide Girls starts to tingle.

BL: How did she play you?

Kevin: She didn’t really play me. It’s not really her fault.

Max: NO, she plays you. Everyone in here knows this, it’s not like I’m revealing business that can’t be out there. Rachel plays James, My ex plays me, Crystal plays you. On her birthday she called Kevin. I was with him. It was pouring rain; shitty night in New York. I had to convince him to come out with me, that’s never happened before. She calls him, and she’s wasted, it’s my birthday. He was trying his hardest to stay away from her, cause that’s what she asked for. And I’ve heard stories from him, and I could give you a hundred [stories] of the same type of shit, where these girls say:

Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it, stay away from me.

Then when you finally stay away from them, and don’t hit ‘em up, they fucking reel you back. And it’s the same thing, and I’ve said this to both of them, and they’ve said it to me, none of these girls want to be with any of us, they just want to know that you’re still there. They just don’t want you to be psyched. None of these girls want to actually date you. They always say, maybe this, if this, or if that. NO, if girls want to be with you, they’re with you. These girls just keep you on, you’re a fish on a hook, you’re fucking dangling dude.

BL: Do you think they’re just out here trying to figure out whats right for them; experiencing life?

Max: They’re like, this guy is the best now but if something better comes along, kick rocks, he’s dust. And, and that’s just it. It’s foul, but it’s the reality. And I only know this from talking to, I have 7 brothers and sisters. I have older sisters who are girls, who tell me what’s up. These girls just like to keep you on a fish line.

Kevin: I thought she was it. I flew to California, I drove to New Hampshire three times.

BL: It just didn’t work? You ever think, if you had not flown to California, she’d be more into it?

James: She be more into a guy who wouldn’t have driven, or gone to California?

Max: Yeah. Lets say he didn’t, and that got her attention. The second she said she was really sad and made contact, said, I cant believe you did come see me! The second you stop acting and put your guard down, At first you’re like, I was busy. You weren’t doing shit! The second you go, oh my god I miss you and I did want to see you, they got their fill. It’s fucking heroin.

BL: So Kevin, you still believe your Crystal, one that maybe treats you better, that she is out there?

Kevin: I shouldn’t have dumped Jessica, that was really stupid.

BL: I just love your passion, you’re such a fucking romantic, it’s awesome.

BL: Max, for you, what do you want to happen?

Max: I want to have a big family, but I know that, in order to do that, you have to figure out a lot about yourself, make a decent income, and be fucking happy. A lot of my boys, who I’m envious of, are selfish in their twenties. They’re like, yea I’m gonna hook up with girls, but I’m not gonna delegate all my time to one thing, I need to get my work done, job, family, school. I’m gonna try and start doing that, just focus more on myself, because that will attract birds anyway. Girls are into dudes who are confident and have their shit going. They’re not into dudes who are like, I have no aspirations and I don’t really give a fuck. Young girls might think that’s bad ass, but for a girl you actually want to be with, they want a dude with a good head on his shoulders. I’m not saying you have to be a famous actor, doctor, or lawyer. Doing something that you enjoy and being good at it, that’s what I want to work on. But yeah, fuck yeah, I want like ten kids, a big house, yeah…

Kevin: Awww, me too.

Max: I’m down to have a girlfriend, but I want to learn how to not. I couldn’t do it now, I pay too much attention to girls. When I have a girlfriend, I kinda give up on a lot of other things. And if there’s a day where, like, my boys all go to Brooklyn to skate. I usually won’t go. Once in a while I’ll be like, naw, I’m going skating, but that’s a show. Reality is I give up too much for birds. I want to get to the point like my friends who are so good with that.

BL: You invest a lot in the girls you date, put a lot into the relationship, maybe to an unhealthy extent?

Max: 110%. Besides getting the girl back, which it absolutely prevents me [from doing], [I prevent myself from] meeting another girl and getting work done. My grandfather always said if someone breaks up with you, you’ve got two weeks. You’ve got those two weeks to fucking sit in your room and fucking cry. Don’t eat, eat too much, whatever. After that, pick yourself up and move the fuck on. It will only benefit you. You’ll either meet someone better, or that chick will come running back, and you might not want her by that time. So I’ma try and just live with that outlook for the rest of my life.

We end on a funny note. Crushes.

BL: Celebrity crushes, go?

Kevin: Mila Kunis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. She’s probably the hottest character of the last ten years. Not Mila Kunis, Mila Kunis in Max Payne was wack.

BL: You and every other fucking dude, how predictable. So you’re attracted to the character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall?

Kevin: Yes, definitely, cause that’s just the kind of lifestyle I want.

BL: Mila Kunis, camo pants, just chilling?

Kevin: YES!

Max: I’ve never, never, feel celebs….  But, Karen Allen, her best role, the Karen Allen I would want to date, is her in Scrooged.

Kevin: Rachel Weisz too.

James: I’ve been trying to think of one since you first asked the question.

James is unable to name a celebrity he’d want to sleep with. Adorable. The last question of the night is pure fun. I won’t tell you who named who, but I will name names. This is their list not mine, but I’m backing their entire list.

BL: Scenester Crushes! NAME EM!

Max: Does it have to be girls we kinda know?

BL: Yes, or people you’ve seen around, not famous, but scene famous.

And The Crew Says:

Hayley Coupon
Jen Reynolds (J.R.) 
Cassie Coane
Meryl Smith
Alexi Wasser  
Zoe Vance
Byrdie Bell
Roxanne Knouse
The older lady bartender at Max Fish, not the one who owns it, but the other one…


BL