I spend my days below 14th St. and generally above Canal. I’ve had girlfriends. I’ve been in love. I’ve had my heart ripped out and handed to me by numerous women. I’ve done my share of ripping too. These are stories of my New York.
Dear Boyslife,
Just started reading your blog a few weeks ago, entertaining to say the least. I saw your response to a reader’s email so I thought I would throw something your way while I procrastinate studying for finals.
I am 21 years old and have not been in a relationship. Not just one worth noting, not one. I have seen my fair share of girls and women but nothing has stuck. I know there are/have been girls that want to date me, and there is definitely a short list that I would like to see evolve into something, and yet still nothing. I am a relationship virgin and/or have relationship impotency. Most of this came about in high school when I pretty much seperated myself from all of my peers and grew up with a totally different group of people, most being middle aged and married or soon to be. It was like being a modern day Romulus or Remus being raised in a totally different atmosphere.
I often tell myself that the first relationship, whoever it ends up being with, will likely be for a long time. I’m a picky fuck and hold such high standards that even I recognize their absurdness. Should I go out and find some low self-esteem girl and date her for as long as I can stand, just to knock the first one out of the way? Re-reading that sentence, I think if I could do that it probably would’ve happened by now.
Lastly, if you haven’t already sent this to the trash, I have no clue how to further things with women. My imagination goes blank and I fall back on textbook methods (i.e. movies, dinner, bar.) Everything seems to revolve around alcohol or some stimulant and I am getting a little tired of that. Any ideas on some good activities/ways to camouflage the desire to just hang out with a girl more?
-Jimmy
Dear Jimmy,
I think that you just need to be patient. I’ve found that I rarely meet people I’m truly interested in. Sure I have encounters or date people for a few weeks or months. But finding something lasting, someone that really gets inside my head is tough. To find someone you’ve got to be meeting people and putting yourself out there. No girl is going to reject you because you’ve dated a lot of girls so don’t be scared to take chances and ask a lot of different people out. Find out what suits you, what kind of girls you like. Go to where they hang out. I don’t go to Avenue or Greenhouse to meet girls, I’d rather try Whole Foods or a happy accident at Lil Frankies. You’re not gonna meet anyone great sitting at home watching TV. Get out there and press the flesh! And STAY PATIENT. It’s like in Rushmore where Max says: “But I’ve been out to sea for a long time.” Your ship will come in eventually.
Don’t lower your standards as long as they are reasonable. There are plenty of girls that are not super models who are absolutely beautiful, but if you’re hung up on some Swimsuit Issue standards, maybe you need a reality check. This is something you’ll have to look at and I can’t decide for you. Personally I’ve had to raise my standards because I deserve better and because it’s unfair to bed some girl when I’m way out of her league. Sure it’s easy but it’s just not right when I know I never want to see her again. We all define beauty differently. You should look at what you think is beautiful and ask yourself: “Do these standards come from me and my experiences or am I a subject of society’s standards like a 11 year old to the top 40 charts?”
If you want to hang out with someone don’t camouflage it! JUST HANG OUT! If you really want to audition for the role of girlfriend you’re gonna have to get into booze free activities. Sit down and have a coffee. Talk to her. Ask her questions. Get a dialog going. Go to the Moma see what she likes. Is it what you like? How does this make you feel? Take the train to a different neighborhood to try some cool restaurant. Talk on the train ride, get to know her! Go for lunch, where nobody gets drunk and there is no “back to my place” undertone. You can sit and get to know each other for real, not just laying some subtext for getting laid. (Well, if you can get it done during the day go for it, but that’s a tough one. If you do, it’s magic or she’s a slut.) It’s hard in the winter, easy to hide behind going to the movies, or coming over to watch a movie but if you’re really looking to go beyond the superficial it’s going to take some work. There are a million things to do in this city and if you’re clueless maybe just do stuff you read about in NY Magazine?
Stay open mentally and be open to varying ideas of beauty. Don’t be afraid to get to know someone. It won’t always work out, but the more you do it the more you’ll know what you want and more importantly what you don’t want. Stockpile those date activities. Girls want you to make the decision on where to go and what to eat so be confident and have a good catalog of fun activities to draw on. You’ll find someone. Keep an open mind and a positive attitude.
Upon re-reading this I sound like such an asshole! But It’s true. So I’m posting anyway.
