Boys Life

I wrote this already. Twice actually. The first was mopey dribble brought on by immense guilt.  The second was a little better but I was still telling half truths. I’m going to give it one more shot. If I want this to mean anything I have to be totally honest. Here goes.

My buddy is an expert Facebooker and we are working the angles on a lonely Sunday night. He’s told a friend of his from LA to add me. She does. I confirm and peruse her photos. SO TRASHY! Bikini shots at the Roosevelt pool, intermix outfits, and numerous other crimes against my condescending tastes. This is so far from the kind of girl I’m attracted to in real life. Her only saving graces are brown hair and amazing natural boobs.

Its getting late and I have a choice to make.

Internet or Sway? Internet or Sway? Internet or Sway?

INTERNET.

I confirm and message her right away. About 15 minutes later we are video chatting. I go in with one thing in mind and one thing only. Nudity. We shoot the shit, talk mutual friends, home towns, her time in new york, and so forth. Along the way I find out she has dated a friend of mine. Apparently it was casual. OK. Not a big deal. I keep it rolling. We’re chatting it up when my Facebook partner in crime hits me on Aim. He tells me shes telling him she has an “ass pic” on deck and is contemplating showing me. OK, its fucking on! I ease on the gas and start steering this conversation in the direction I need it to go. Sex. When video chatting, I mean really whenever chatting, but especially when video chatting, you need to steer towards sex as soon as humanly possible. If that means taking a chance and bringing some pervy stuff into the mix early than fucking go for it. Do I really need to explain why? No? Good. Just do it. It works. Pretty soon I’m looking at this picture of her amazing ass. I push a little harder and before I know it she is giving me a full on slide show. A topless pic, sexy panty shots, and some great ass shots. I am happy. Internet Sunday is a big hit!


Did I mention I’m laying in bed shirtless video chatting with a girl in California that I’ve never met?

Apple Video Chat has this function where you can show people pictures without actually sending them a digital copy. You drag it [the picture] over the chat and whoever you’re chatting with sees that picture instead of your face until you remove it. So she is doing this, showing me sexy pics and we are talking about them.  When a real winner comes up I do a Screen Capture. It comes out amazing. Shirtless, one eye half closed, one hand clearly between my legs, the other on the keyboard doing the screen grab command.  Her image is there too. Long brown hair flowing over her right breast leaving her left fully exposed. Definitely the best pic of her I’ve seen all night. We keep chatting. Its clear we have nothing really in common. Sex maybe, and a few mutual friends. Its painfully obvious I could give a rats ass about her and I think that’s why she’s enjoying our chat. Its getting late and I need sleep.  Really I need to masturbate more than I need to sleep so I let her know. I make it clear she’s perfectly welcome to stay online with me and watch. If not, NBD, I’m gonna just beat it to her pictures. She declines: “I’m not that kinda girl, not on the first video chat.” The urgency is welling so we say our goodbyes and I sign off. We’ve had a fun chat. I’ve saved a couple of the pictures. Quite the Sunday night on the Internet! I go to sleep relaxed with some false sense of confidence. Like I’m some fucking video chat romeo or something. I’m not, she’s just a slut that loves attention. But I let myself feel good anyway as I drift off to sleep.

We are meeting in the afternoon, a group of us. Guys. We have dinner and talk shit. I am early and so are a few others. Including, OH FUCK!, Including the guy who dated last nights video chat partner.

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

OK.  I didn’t know he dated her when we started chatting. I learned part way through. I don’t know him that well but I would speak highly of him if anyone asked and we’ve always been friendly.

FUCK.

FUCK.

FUCK!

I don’t know what the right thing to do in a situation like this. I’m kinda a believer in honesty, just let people know whats up and let the cards fall where they may. I should probably not say anything, it’s none of his business what I do on video chat or what some chick he dated does. I feel guilty and some need to unburden myself so like an asshole I start poking around.

“Oh you know this girl you used to date. So and so told her to Facebook me. We ended up video chatting. She’s pretty hot. Not really my steez but I’m definitely not mad.”  I don’t go into detail and I don’t feel so much like a creep anymore. He does not seem disturbed. Everything is fine, situation navigated!

WRONG.

Men are animals. Territorial fucking animals. I have stirred the dog in this guy and I don’t even know it.

Shake Shack now, a great place for boys to gather, talk shit, eat a burger, and enjoy what could be the last warm day for 5 months. Over burgers he’s stirring, and finally it comes. He is like “this girl?” and brandishes his Blackberry. There she is. Well there her ass is, and what an ass it is.  Everybody is peeping the pic which is a big hit. I need to let this go, not get into a sword fight with this guy, not be that fucking dude.

FUCK.

FUCK.

FUCK!

Its too late my ego is challenged I have to fucking twist the knife. I don’t know why I do this. Maybe I’m just an asshole. Probably I’m just insecure and want to feel powerful. Still; an asshole. I hate that I have to do this but I cant help myself. Some fucked up part of me refuses to let him have his moment and keep his dignity.

“Oh yea, I’ve got pictures too.”

Out comes the iPhone, and around the table it goes. There I am, my torso in that little box her naked breast in the big one. Everyone is dying. The picture is officially branded as disturbing. Commentary ensues:

“What a whore.”

“What kind of girl would video chat with you.”

“you’re a fucking creep, shirtless, your hands definitely on your prick!”

He is a good sport. He does not punch me in the face. He knows not to blame me, it’s not my fault. I was having fun playing with a toy that was once his. I think he is just feeling fucked up. Why would she do this? Have you ever cared about someone and then found out some shit about them later? It’s not that they hid anything from you. They didn’t fuck anyone behind your back, or jerk off any of your friends. They just put their best foot forward. You don’t see the other side until way later. It’s getting late and he leaves to “watch football.” AKA, go home, listen to Morrissey, and wonder why he loved such a whore.  After he’s gone I’m getting the looks from the crew.

“you’re the fucking devil.”

God I fucking knew it. I knew it when I said “you know this girl” two hours ago. Why did I fucking do that. Why did I have to get into the pissing contest. Be that fucking guy.  “I got pics too.”  What a fucking douche I am. I’m getting lectured by two of my good friends. I deserve it. I text the guy asap. Tell him my behavior was out of line, I was just showing off, that I was motivated by guilt and insecurity. He texts back, swears hes not mad just upset that she was acting like that.

My boys are still laying into me. One of the more melodramatic fellows chimes in:   “you know you weren’t always like this. Tuggin’ on your dick off screen and begging for tit and ass pics. You were not born all fucked up like this. You were made this way.”

I know what hes getting at. We behave this way because we were taught to. Someone did it to us and we can not help doing it too. Paying it forward. Break a heart like ours was broken. This story is as old as time.  I think about this guy. He probably had those late nights with her. Telling her everything. Close on the pillows. He was probably happy to wake up next to her, to get breakfast the next day. To go to a movie or just sit around the house and read. I don’t know how long it lasted or how it ended. But it ended again for sure today. With my dirty video chat picture. My face, one eye half closed, tuggin on my dick. She was probably still in his “maybe one day” file.  keep the case open cause maybe one day well be older and wiser and maybe be over whatever we could not get over before. I have my maybe one day file too and I would not want me jerking to any of their pictures either.

We talk about all this stuff after he’s gone.  We have great laughs at the picture. I cant justify my behavior. It’s not my job to teach this dude life lessons about women. What kinda girls not to get involved with. I should not have said a word. Oh well, it’s still funny and we are all cracking up.

Am I really one of these people that does shit like this? Sleazy Video chatting? Sitting around calling women whores? Exchanging camera phone pics and dirty tidbits?

I go home and I’m miserable for 24 hours. I’ve apologized and hes accepted there is nothing more to do. still, I feel awful. The next day something funny happens. I am not there to witness but arriving later I get the story.

One guy is telling another guy about his potential girlfriend. He met her at yoga.  Another friend chimes in:

“Oh yea I banged a couple girls from that yoga place, you got to be careful its tricky seeing them in class after you hit it. There was this one girl, Stacy, sick body but a total whore I fucked her and so did he.”

Now the “he” being refrenced is my victim from yesterday. As hurt as he was he’s still no angel just like his video chatting ex. And yes, just like a fucking movie the guy goes white because Stacy, the yoga slut, is his potential girlfriend. Now just like me my friend can’t resist. He starts breaking this guys balls hard. He talks a little shit bragging, the proverbial beating on his chest. It culminates later with a playful “Hows My Dick Taste?”  How the fuck he got this out without getting socked in the jaw I’ll never know. But at least today I was not the one totally out of line showing off for my friends. Humiliating one of the guys for fifteen minutes atop the ant heap.  I was late and the dick taster has come and gone by the time they’re telling me the story.  I’m giving the guy a real hard time for being a dick. The same hard time he had given me the day before. My victim from yesterday has been sorta rejuvenated being one of the guys who has slept with our other friends potential girlfriend. I thank god hes had a laugh and does not want to kill me. I’m still the devil according to the crew but I’ve been replaced as the chief orchestrator of evil for the day. This suits me fine.  So does the tear inducing laughter from the third telling of the “hows my dick taste” story for another latecomer.

I have not been the same since this has happened. Tomorrow will mark a week. My game is a little off. I’m not as ready to holler at girls and I’m not as willing to hook up with whomever. I mean it has not stopped me from getting a couple numbers or making out with this tramp at Bowery Hotel on Saturday night. I will say It has taken a little swing out of my step.  I forgot how people get torn up. How much we hurt each other.  I’m being more cautious and thinking a little more about who and what I’m doing. I’m also happy to have my friends in my life. These dudes keep me honest, let me know when I’m full of shit or when I’m way out of line. We are all looking for love but until we find it, we love and look after each other. My dudes are out here, taking camera phone pics, fondling grapefruits at Whole Foods, and throwing out “hey’s” in Nolita. All these guys are just like me, snarky and hardened but totally ready and waiting for their Parker Posey. Until she appears we’ll love each other and that means caring enough to say “hows my dick taste?”