Misshapes or Misshapen?



Everybody knows that between 26 and 30, basically all our bodies fall apart. I had to stop eating fried chicken and french fries every day, and no more 4 am meals. I’m not a body builder, I’m not even really fit but somehow I made it to 31 with no gut and look presentable with no shirt on. (I think it’s the skateboarding.) So, like, all our lives people have been preparing us for this, telling us we’re gonna get old and maybe get fat, grow ugly, bla, bla, bla.  We knew it, no biggie, we hit the gym harder lose the gut, its NY we got that shit licked no big deal.

Women change too. The wrinkles come, and the saggier skin, crow’s feet. Basically they start to look less like sex objects and more like moms. The smart ones run every day and the rich ones use all the creams and lotions money can buy, some even do both.  Asians girls get an extra 5 to 10 years over anyone else in this race against time, unless they go out a lot, drink and smoke cigarettes. Then they are aging at normal white girl speed, and the white girl who goes out and drinks and smokes is aging at superhuman speed and is basically unfuckable before 40, and that’s me being liberal, most of my friends see a girl that’s like 35 and think she is on her way to hospice.

OK so we kinda knew that too, but for the first half of our twenties we are mesmerized by these women so we didn’t pay it any mind. When you’re 23 you’re dying to hit off a 30 something girl, that’s like “THE SHIT.” I did it a bunch of times when I first moved to New York. I was gassed. Learning all types of shit about sex, my first anal, all that “I’m hitting a woman” stuff, that shit was so intriguing.

SO now I’m thirty something and I find myself involved with girls from around 19 to around 34ish, and yes, I know female readers, the glaring “19” is making you puke in your mouth a little, but, you know they act so mature, and I’m just trying to be honest and paint this picture. OK. So basically if you’re wondering what thirty something men talk about all day it is the difference between 22 year old and 30 year old girls. I mean this NEVER GETS OLD!

OK so here we have the 29 to 34 year old stylist. She has been around the block a few times, and this is a good thing! OK, sure she’s banged one of your friends or one of your friend’s friends. No biggie. NY is small, totally forgivable. And on her journey around the block she’s probably learned a thing or two, like, how giving an amazing blow job is really all about knowing how to give a really really sloppy hand job while occasionally using your mouth. She is old enough to actually enjoy sex, and her multiple orgasms make you feel like the John Holmes of the east village. She is smart and funny, or she appears to be, referencing the right pop culture things, having good opinions about music and stuff. Maybe not the same opinions as you but perfect opinions for the fairer sex. Most importantly, there is Banter. This is the key to our hearts, ladies, so pay attention for a second, fucking banter, that’s ALL we want. Tease us a little, suggest we might have a small prick, call our Morrissey shirts passe, (A girl did this to me and, she was like legitimately ugly too I didn’t even care I was ready to marry her on the spot.) tell us every lame Nolita hipster guy has that Raleigh and who do we think we’re charming on that thing.  We will rib you back, suggesting that “shouldn’t you be married at your age?” Or point out that you’re wearing the same Chloe Sevigny for Opening Ceremony that the last girl you hooked up had on. We’ll banter, steering the convo towards sex as soon as possible, and be having actual sex or at least said sloppy handjob blowjob as soon as decency allows, which, in NY seems to hover between 2 hours and the 2nd date.

In the other corner is the 22 year old, actually lets say 19 to 23. Her skin is so soft and her boobs and butt are both so firm. I mean, she still thinks guys that dress like rock stars are cool. She is not interested in sex really, not in the way a 30 year old woman just loves to get fucked. Yeah she might sleep with you, but you’re going to have to jump thru hoops to get it there. It’s always party time, you can’t lock em down for a specific date. See and be seen over sex always. Like, some shitty magazine party at Tribecca Grand will take precedence over your date and you’ll get pushed back to god knows when. God forbid someone with more pics on LNP or even worse a bonafide Patrick Mcmullen/Wire Image dude gets at her. You’re fucking out he’s fucking in!  That’s it really, she just wants to go out and be cool, get her picture taken, do coke with Spankrock. I mean lord help you when you’re trying to holler at one of these girls and her “buddy”, who is suspiciously another dude around your age in trendier clothes, grabs her for a second and she comes back coked to the gills and what seemed like the sure thing has just evaporated in one snort.  Yea I could be the coke buddy but on this blog we are men and men don’t use the cane to sleep with girls. OK, so after all this, you actually get one pinned down, and you actually do it, the sex is guaranteed to be bad. I mean awful. I suggested this to a friend and he was all like, “NO WAY, NO WAY, they just do whatever I say!” I mean HELLO!!!! I hate that, don’t get me wrong I love to be in charge and throw a little choke and slap down, give an order or two or three, but nothing, and I mean nothing gets to the heart of a good man like a “You have to eat my pussy now.” Add a little slap or force us downtown and basically you’ve just about scored a husband.  What was i saying is, oh yeah, good lucking finding a 21 year old girl who’s going to slap you and force oral sex, or even “get it” when you pull her hair.

Ok so young girls are a pain in the ass, harder to close, as the Wall St. guys say, and 19 times out of 20 shittier in bed. But god damn it that skin and that butt. I mean don’t get me started on the breasts, like even the big ones that will be of the do not remove bra variety by 30 will look amazing, and the small ones, GOD!  The small ones are rock sold, butter soft gifts from god, all feeling like there is a “Handmade in France” tag just below the surface. When you grab their ass it does not move. It pushes against your hand with all its might. And as soon as you let go it is exactly as it was, full, rotund, even while she is lying her belly it does not waver, gravity is not having its way yet.

This is literally all we talk about, back and forth all afternoon over coffee. Pros and Cons. How much smarter and funnier the older girl is but how she is just looking for a husband. How her ass is going to look awful sans jeans. How the young girl is so annoying and thinks the girl from the Misshapes is a style icon. (She’s an icon alright but not for her clothes. We’ll get to her later.) Or how about the other young one that got scooped by that craze French dude from Purple Magazine? “Yeah I was in there then that dude shows up and BAM! they are in the bathroom. She comes out and suddenly I might as well be a fucking busboy.”  “I finally slept with so and so. Yeah, the stylist. Three dates and now she wants me to go to dinner parties and shit, I just want to go to Shake Shack! she’s deff looking for a husband.”

LITERALLY ALL DAY, but the Tits are so Firm, But the old girl will be so much better in bed and funnier, yeah but shes old, but the young girl is so annoying, yeah but the tits the ass, so firm…


At the end of it all, I don’t have an answer, I just want to marry Parker Posey, like not now cause she’s to old now but late 90s Parker.  Cute, funny, the “it” alt girl.  I mean does the fact that my go-to was Parker and not Zoe Deschanel, does that mean I’m old and my icons are out of style?  Is there someone younger and cooler than Zooey Deschanel I can pray to meet?  I mean how old is she? She’s like over 30,  Jesus I’m doomed.  There is no clear cut answer here. I doubt I’m the type to fall in love with some young heart breaker, I’m much more the “look past her sagging tits” kinda guy. One to many romantic comedies i guess. The older ones always get me, I’m dumb and they have the tricks, Morrissey references, handjob blowjobs, banter….. But just because I’m doomed to a life of dinner parties, vacations, and sex with bra’s on does not mean I won’t catch that fever once in a wile. If you see me chasing some pretty young thing around Lit with that hunger in my eye, do not be alarmed, LET ME LIVE. By the time I get her number or Troll her on Facebook, I’ll realize I’m to old for this shit and just want someone my age who understands what it means to watch You’ve Got Mail on a rainy Sunday.

PS: I would never say I liked You’ve Got Mail just to get some ass, Lying is for old men and 14 year olds. That movie is tight as fuck, and I don’t even like Meg Ryan like that, that shit is just funny and clever, and it reminds me of scoring chicks on Friendster.  Dave Chappelle and Parker Posey, even Steve Zahn in the supporting cast. Rent it.

PPS:  I did not get deep enough into how the more mature women are on an ill husband hunting mission. We’ll get to that and more on that bird from the Missshapes soon enough.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009
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